Pluto Needed a Timeout Anyway

I’ve finally writen an article about the IAU meeting last August in Prague, where astronomers decided to make Pluto a minor planet. It seems to me that the astrologers were the real losers. According to astrologers, the Planet Pluto is responsible for terrorism, crime, destruction, death, obsession, kidnapping, coercion, viruses, waste, carnage, ruin, plagues, nuclear power, hippies, Republicans, and Barney the Dinosaur.

Geez, what is Pluto’s problem? A timeout has been a long time coming it seems.

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Fed up with having to check-in their shampoo and hair gel and of taking off their shoes in the security lines at airports, last August a group of ‘activist’ astronomers did something truly extraordinary.

During one of their latest Nerd Herds (also known as the General Assembly of the IAU), they took it upon themselves to win the war on terror, stop global warming, reduce the intensity of hurricanes and make life difficult for astrologers.

The meeting began with the attendees in a pretty foul mood. After being deprived of all of their personal hygeine paraphranalia (which, less face it, we should be thankful they had at all), being poked, prodded and cavity-searched by the TSA while trying to leave the U.S. and then being subjected to God-knows-what by the security in Prague (the location of the meeting), these guys were in no mood to mess around.

Unshaven and unshowered, the astronomers of the IAU simmered.

“You know Steve, this terrorism crap is starting to piss me off. I’m getting real tired of being felt-up by a TSA official everytime I take a flight.”

“I don’t know Bob, it’s not all that bad. I kind of like it, at least I’m getting attention.”

After Bob the Astronomer moves slowly away from Steve the kinda-creepy Astronomer, he strikes up another conversation. You see, in addition to being subjected to all sorts of poking and prodding by airport security, Bob the Astronomer sat in the middle seat all the way to Prague right next to (can you believe it?) an astrologer. It was the longest flight of his life.

“God I hate astrologers. And terrorists. I sat next to one on the flight over here (an astrologer, not a terrorist – they hate Prague) and he kept trying to convince me that Pluto was responsible for all of the bad things in the world. All I wanted to do was watch my Firefly DVD boxed set but he wouldn’t shut up. So I said, ‘How can a small planet on the outer reaches of the solar system possibly have any influence on events here on Earth?’ Big mistake. He blathered on for the entire flight.” Sigh. “I have half a mind to end all this astrology nonsense once and for all. Enough’s enough.”

“What do you mean? How do you plan to accomplish that?”

Bob the Astronomer leans over and whispers into his ear.

“Wow. You know, that just might work. Let’s do it.”

Slowly but surely, Bob the Astronomer builds a coalition-of-the-willing, or at least a coalition-of-the-mildly-interested-but-supremely-irritated, to help implement his plan. The meeting was still early and so long as he stayed away from those goddam string theorists, everything should without a hitch.

Bob’s plan was so simple, it’s amazing no one thought of it before. Astrologers have been telling us for years that the Planet Pluto “rules destruction, death, obsession, kidnapping, coercion, viruses and waste” and that it “also governs crime and the underworld, along with many forms of subversive activity (terrorism, dictatorships)”.

Now, to say that astronomers and astrologers don’t get along is an understatement, astronomers have always treated astrologers with a “don’t-make-me-come-over-there” attitude that has always irritated the piss out of them.

This relationship has existed since around the time of the Renaissance when a subgroup of astrologers (yes, everyone who studied the sky back then was considered an astrologer) decided that, “You know what? Instead of just guessing about what’s going to happen in the universe, and pulling predictions out of my ass, I’m gonna actually observe the night sky and measure it, and maybe use a little math to figure out what’s going on”.

Astronomers (as they started calling themselves – someone floated the term astrolomers but he was promptly given a wedgie), have since barely been able to restrain from bitch-slapping every astrologer they encounter.

Bob the Astronomer’s most excellent plan was to de-classify Pluto as a planet. You see, if Pluto isn’t a planet anymore, then the astrologers would have to stop blaming rotating celestial bodies for all the world’s problems. Pluto, the planet astrologers turn to first in predicting and explaining all of the terrible things that happen on our planet, would no longer be one. It couldn’t affect their charts. People would have to blame something else for their bad day, probably their mothers-in-law.

There would be no more horoscopes reading: Today is a 3. Pluto is in opposition to Saturn right now so you are screwed. Stay away from all Aries today because they are compelled by Pluto, as a higher octave of Mars, to kick you in the face while singing: ‘Put your left foot in and put your left foot out, put your left foot in and then shake it all about’.”

This would supremely mess up their “charts”, making everything they’ve made up to this point obsolete (hehe).

Only the International Astonomical Union have the ability to officially approve names and classify stars, comets, planets, or any other object in the sky.

And Bob had managed to whip them up into a frenzy that the world would not soon forget.

We should all be very thankful to Bob the Astronomer and the unwashed, cavity-probed General Assembly of the IAU. They have single-handedly, and in one meeting, solved all of the worlds problems. Pluto is now a minor planet that can’t cause any trouble – no more catastrophes, nuclear bombs, inconvenient hurricanes, or terrorists. It’s too bad all conferences can’t be this productive.

I, for one, applaud the outcome of the meeting last August. Pluto is no longer a planet, outstanding. Take that astrologers. Go forth and remake all of your charts and redo your readings. Pluto can no longer wreak havoc on our society. Terrorism should now be a thing of the past. Viruses should now go poof-ily into the night.

I expect to start seeing my horoscopes read like this: Today is a 10. Pluto is getting the crap kicked out of it by Neptune right now, higher octave or Mars or no. You are the master of your life, the creator of all happiness you experience. You are a powerful being with free will and critical thinking skills that enable you to reach untold heights of success.

Thanks Bob. I got real tired of being bullied by Pluto.