I've discovered that cosmetologists are a very curious lot, they love to learn new things. Unfortunately, their main source of information is the itinerant customer who may have no idea what they're talking about. After all, the customer could just be trying to show off (and maybe score) with the hapless person cutting their hair.

This means that the quality of information the cosmetologist is getting is very suspect. It's not entirely their fault that they have inaccurate information. This would help explain why, when I go into get my hair cut, I get some very silly questions when she/he finds out I'm an astronomer.

In the spirit of helping the more curious practitioners of the cosmetology profession, I've drawn up a 'cheat sheet' that they can refer to whenever they cut an astronomer's hair. It is my hope that they'll use this sheet as a way to start a conversation because let's face it, your typical astronomer/cosmologist certainly isn't going to. He's just gonna stare at his shoes the whole time and try not to sweat. Especially if the hair stylist is hot.

Before I even start, let me just say I know that there are many, many smart cosmetologists out there. In fact, many I've met are smarter than some of my astrophysics professors. There is just so much bad information out there that I feel compelled to set the record straight. At least after this, there'll be no excuse.

This article is written to respond to people (sadly it's not limited to cosmetologists) who think:

• Astrology is astronomy. "Ooh, I've always loved astronomy. Tell me, why my Aries boyfriend is such an ass?", "If I take this job, will I be rich?", "Pluto has messed up my chart, now what?"
• We faked the moon landing. "I saw the flag on the moon blow in the breeze!"
• The 'Face On Mars' provides proof of an extraterrestrial intelligence.
• Cosmetology is the study of the universe.

If this is you, then you're probably not reading this article (because Desperate Housewives is on) so I don't have to worry about offending you or being politically correct.

So let's get started. Here is Cosmology 101 for Cosmetologists:

• The universe is old. It is older than the tube of Brylcreem on the counter. Way, way older than Brad Pitt. Not as old as Mick Jagger.
• There are many stars in the universe. More than ten.
• Stars are hot. Hotter than a 1970's hairdryer. Way hotter than a curling iron. The Sun is about as hot as 200,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 hair dryers (the 1800 watt ones you can get a Target).
• The Sun is small compared to some stars. Think Wynona Ryder next to John Goodman.
• The universe is expanding. Just like Oprah.
• Dr. Phil is not a scientist. He knows nothing about, well, anything.
• The National Enquirer is not a scientific journal.
• There is no center to the universe, regardless of what Mel Gibson may think of himself.
• There are many galaxies, more than the stars that show up on Academy Award night.
• Nothing can go faster than the speed of light. No, not even the General Lee from 'The Dukes of Hazzard'.
• Gravity may not be enough to hold the universe together. Like the wardrobe malfunction of Janet Jackson, the universe may break free from the bonds of gravity.
• Nothing can escape the gravitational pull of a black hole, not even light. It's hold is stronger than the mousse in a 1980's haircut.
• A light year has the same number of calories as a regular year.
• Einstein did not invent the bagel.
• Relativity is not something you do to find out about your family tree.
• The Big Bang has nothing to do with Paris Hilton (Zing! I'm here all week folks).
• Neutrinos are not a breakfast cereal.
• Gravity works whether you're thinking about it or not. Further, Wile E. Coyote would fall at the same rate as the Road Runner if you dropped them off of a cliff.
• There is no such thing as a quantum mechanic.
• Dark matter is not an occult.

I sincerely hope this has helped the cosmetologists around the world to be able to better communicate with the people whose hair they cut on a daily basis as well as recognize when someone is feeding them a line.

I'll find out the next time I go to get my hair cut.

I'll be adding more as time permits. If you'd like to help, please Contact Me if you can think of any more and I'll add them to the list. It's for a good cause, the cosmetologists need our help.

Who knows, the cosmetologist you help might be your own. You might even get lucky (wink, wink, nudge, nudge).

Finally, I'd like to urge all cosmetologists to keep this sheet at their stations. Please consult it when you feel the bull getting pretty high. And please resist the temptation to spread false information about the universe to your clientele. Checking this sheet before talking will go a long way toward fulfilling our goal of an informed cadre of cosmetologists.